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Book: The Time Machine Did It
Quotes of Book: The Time Machine Did It
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  1. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    As my exciting story opens, I am being punched in the stomach. But I guess a lot of stories start that way."
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  2. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times, because clients notice little things like that, and if you're frowning and crying all the time and saying "why? why?", they get worried. So I try to stay upbeat.
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  3. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    Any calls?" I asked. She didn't look up from her magazine. "What am I, your secretary?" "Yes." "Look, just leave me alone.
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  4. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    Now, I'm not the most observant of men, which is unfortunate, because I'm a private eye.
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  5. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    I'm 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat. It's important to have that layer of fat. You can't have guys hitting you in your muscles all the time. But that extra padding also cushions the blow for your opponent's fists, which allows him to slug you longer and with more abandon. So that layer of fat is both a good and a bad thing, I guess. It works both ways is what I'm saying.
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  6. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    He told me the crooks used this place for more than just a dumping ground for undesirables. He said they also had a lot of food stored here in case there was ever a nuclear war. That way they could insure that in the future there would still be criminals.
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  7. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    I indicated that I had some free time at the moment and was willing to investigate what sounded like a most important case. "How much do you charge?" he asked. "$500 a day, plus expenses." "Will the expenses make it less?" "Possibly, but in my experience expenses usually add to the total." He thought about this for a moment, then frowned. "Well, I suppose I should just forget about it then. Spending $500 a day to find something worth $20 wouldn't make economic sense." "That's true, if it's just the money you're concerned with here and not the justice angle." "No, it was the money more than anything else. I guess it would be cheaper to just buy another one.
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  8. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    I've been told by people that I'm shaped kind of like a garbage can, but I don't know if that's the truth, or just some kind of an insult.
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  9. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.
    book-quotehumorhumourinsult

  10. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    It's tough to make a living in my racket. Most people who need detecting done just go to the cops. They're free. I have to charge money for essentially the same service. Another thing that makes it tough is that I'm not the best detective in town. In fact in this building you have to pass the offices of three detectives who are better than me to get to my place. So I guess I lose some business that way.
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  11. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    Kids have too much money these days, if you ask me.
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  12. John Swartzwelder _ The Time Machine Did It

    The next day, a dead turtle was left on my doorstep as a warning. I couldn't figure out as a warning for what, and I guess whoever was watching me picked up on that, because the next morning there was another dead turtle, but this one had several sheets of paper glued to it's back leg. The pieces of paper contained a long footnoted explanation of all the symbolism involved. It didn't make a lot of sense to me. The turtle was the "turtle of inquisitiveness" and the cheese smeared on it's shell meant something, and the little cowboy boots on its feet meant something. Everything about this animal meant something apparently to whoever sent it. I still didn't get what it was all about. The next morning there was no turtle. Somebody just shot at me from the bushes.
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