I came to the first floor and looked out at the entranceway of the building. For a second I pictured the way she had hugged me here. It already seemed like a long time ago. I felt an unpleasant mixture of gratitude and longing, streaked with guilt and regret. And in a flash of insight, cutting with cold clarity through the fog of my fatigue, I realized what I hadn't been able to articulate earlier, not even to myself, when she'd asked me what I was afraid of. It had been this, the moment after, when I would come face to face with knowing that it would all end badly, if not this morning, then the next one. Or the one after that. I used the rear entrance, where there was no camera. It was still raining when I got outside. The day's first light was gray and feeble. I walked in my wet shoes until I found a cab, then made my way back to the hotel.
( Barry Eisler )
[ A Lonely Resurrection ]
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