And here was your mysterious innocence and invulnerability: you abused others without regret, and you condemned abuse, and said it was forbidden. You backed your derision with threats, for example, 'I'll rip you apart like a fish.' And that was dreadful to me, even though I knew that nothing bad would happen {yet as a young child I didn't know this}, but your words served as a sign of your power, and you always seemed capable of doing something. And it was also dreadful when you shouted left and right at the table, and tried to grab someone – or pretended to try – until mother seemingly came to the rescue. And it appeared to a child that life existed through your mercy, and continued as your unearned gift. And linked to this were your threats about disobedience and where it would lead. When I began something which didn't please you and you threatened me with failure, my awe for your opinion was so great that failure was unavoidable – perhaps at first, if not, then later. I lost the confidence to do anything. I was unsettled, doubtful. And the older I was, the more solid was the material with which you could demonstrate how worthless I was; and gradually, to a certain extent, you became right. But again, I must say that I'm not as I am just because of you; yet you increased what was there, and you increased it greatly; because against me you were very powerful, and you used all your power. You
( Franz Kafka )
[ Letter to My Father ]
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