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Author: Laurie Notaro
Quotes of Author: Laurie Notaro
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  1. Laurie Notaro _ The Idiot Girl and the Flaming

    Oh my God," my husband said with a gasp, reading further. "He beat three men into unconsciousness? Alone? What is this, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Rapist? Does he fly and run across treetops? How long are his nails? What do you think his record for man beating is? Do we need four guys in the house at all times? Do we need five? You know, I could start a band and we could practice here.
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  2. Laurie Notaro _ The Idiot Girl and the Flaming

    I'm telling you, every house with filthy windows has a pervert inside. Animals. Dirty minds have dirty windows. Everyone knows that. But I wouldn't worry about the Super Rapist if I were you, especially if he gets a good look at you from behind. I'd say you were probably pretty far down on his list." As
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  3. Laurie Notaro _ Housebroken: Admissions of an

    Frankly, if I walk into your house and you don't have two hundred books somewhere that you haven't read yet, I don't trust you.
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  4. Laurie Notaro _ Housebroken: Admissions of an

    Other than that, employ this rule: A book gets fifty pages. If you aren't dying to get back to it the next day, move on over to the next one.
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  5. Laurie Notaro _ Housebroken: Admissions of an

    Let me tell you about Tidy. She's smug, self-important, and frankly, just an asshole.
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  6. Laurie Notaro _ It Looked Different on the

    In the Anthropologie mirror, I saw wrinkles, dents, flaps, bumps, and something that caused me to say to myself, "I hope that's a tumor and not a horn.
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  7. Laurie Notaro _ It Looked Different on the

    I realized that you don't try on a pair of pants, fart in them, and then put them back on the shelf, and the same rough politeness applied here, too. Plain and simple, I bled on it, I bought it.
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  8. Laurie Notaro _ The Potty Mouth at the Table

    How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it.
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  9. Laurie Notaro _ I Love Everybody

    Sure, I'd like to lose some weight, but a tapeworm is the last way I'd like to do it, except becoming a prisoner of war.
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  10. Laurie Notaro _ Spooky Little Girl

    There were times when, in her fury, she was convinced that she needed to drive down to Phoenix and let him know just how much of a bastard she thought he was, that he needed to know just what he had done. But she eventually realized that with his resounding, silent indifference, nothing she could possibly say would matter to him, and by the same account, he didn't deserve to understand how angry he had made her.He wasn't good enough to know how much she hated him.
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  11. Laurie Notaro _ The Idiot Girl and the Flaming

    Poor Holly. There she was, completely unaware while millions of minute mucus particles, each carrying the flu virus, exploded into the air like rain. It was their germ mission to land on her and try to find their way into an opening of her body, much like a date I once had attempted with me.
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  12. Laurie Notaro _ The Potty Mouth at the Table

    If you really want to be afraid for mankind, you don't even need to know who Paul Ryan is. All you have to do is lurk for five minutes by the pharmacy.
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