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Author: Frank Portman
Quotes of Author: Frank Portman
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  1. Frank Portman _ King Dork Approximately

    Basically, Sam Phillips recorded Bill Haley, Johnny Cash, and all those other Memphis guys; Chuck Berry played the top two strings; Elvis appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show above the waist; the Beatles made all the girls squirm by singing about wanting to hold their "hands"; Ray Davies got lost in a sunset; Pete Townshend smashed his guitar; Brian Wilson heard magic in his head and made it come out of a studio; the Rolling Stones urinated on a garage door; and then {skipping a bit} you've got Joey Levine and Chapman-Chinn and Mott the Hoople and Iggy and the Runaways and KISS and the Pink Fairies and Rick Nielsen and Jonathan Richman and Johnny Ramone and Lemmy and the Young brothers and Cook and Jones and Pete Shelley and Feargal Sharkey and Rob Halford … and Foghat. You get what I'm saying. It didn't happen in a vacuum, but it did happen, and now here we are in the aftermath.
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  2. Frank Portman _ King Dork

    You start by allowing your own world to be corrupted by their warped values, and then you gradually start using their sadistic methods and eventually end up adopting bits of their sick ideology. And even then, when you have become just like them, they will eventually turn on you anyway. Normal people are savage beasts.
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  3. Frank Portman _ King Dork

    The entire second-period sophomore girls' PE class thought my balls were uniquely and supremely beneath contempt. Great.
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  4. Frank Portman _ King Dork

    I mean, everything beats me, even twos and threes.
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  5. Frank Portman _ King Dork

    HIGH SCHOOL IS THE PENALTY FOR TRANSGRESSIONS YET TO BE SPECIFIED
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  6. Frank Portman _ Andromeda Klein

    He was probably a Sagittarius, like Rosalie herself, born with a quiver of arrows, and a license to be an asshole.
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  7. Frank Portman _ King Dork Approximately

    My attention was temporarily thrown off course, because of the possibly decent band name. Hot Underwear: Jesus the Thong Burglar on guitar and vox, Hellerman Schmellerman on bass and vox, "Phil Rudd" on drums, first album Wet and Loaded. The album cover possibilities alone would … But I digress.
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  8. Frank Portman _ King Dork

    The guy who wrote The Doors of Perception got off way easier, though, especially since the worst band in the history of the world, the Doors, named themselves after it. He has a lot to answer for.
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  9. Frank Portman _ King Dork

    I'm a very spiritual person," she likes to say, for instance. Like when she's explaining how she hates religion and all those who practice it. Well, okay, if it makes you feel better, Carol.
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  10. Frank Portman _ King Dork

    Now, if this were a murder mystery, and I were a weird Belgian guy with a big mustache, this is the point where I would suddenly stop dead, drop my tiny glass of chocolate liqueur, and say something like "But no! But I have been an imbecile! Imbécile!" And then you'd have to wait another fifty pages or so to find out exactly what the hell I had been talking about. But I won't do that to you. The salutation
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  11. Frank Portman _ King Dork

    What he meant was that he had fixed some vegetarian slop with lentils and bean-curd lumps and weird-tasting fake cheese, and that we were welcome to have a crack at choking some of it down. So Sam Hellerman hightailed it out of there. Lucky bastard.
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  12. Frank Portman _ King Dork

    And believe me, you don't want to be around Migraine Mom. I strongly recommend avoiding that subject.
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